Why I don't want Facebook to have a dislike button...

When my friends complain on Facebook I get to press ‘like’ and its interpreted as me caring. But what I really mean is ‘you’re a miserable bitch and having known you has led me to believe retrospective abortions are a good idea’. They will catch on to this if they know I’ve had the option of straight up disliking their horrid update on their miserable lives, but I pressed ‘like’ anyway.

What Facebook really needs is a ‘Why are you putting your personal problems on Facebook?’ button. Back in the day, it would be the equivalent of walking in to the street and yelling “I’M HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT THE GUY I’VE BEEN SORT OF DATING BUT MOSTLY JUST HAVING SEX WITH, I THINK HE MIGHT JUST BE USING ME BECAUSE I’M EASY”. My favourite example of this was when a friend* changed her relationship status from ‘in a relationship’ to ‘single’. The first comment was from a friend of hers ‘Hope ur ok xx’. The second was from the young man she’d apparently forgotten to break up with, ‘WHAT? Whats happening? please call me, I luv you’. Comedic gold. 

I understand why people use the Facing Book to update people on personal events i.e new job, new boyfriend, that rash I got finally cleared up, it wasn’t an STD. I just don’t understand why people feel the need to update me 50 times a day, about nothing. I will even allow the ‘about to make a sandwich’ status. I like sandwiches and now I know we have something in common. I however do not need to read about the battle you fought before making the sandwich.

‘I think I might make a sandwich’.

‘No bread :(‘.

‘Got bread :), now, to make that sandwich’.

‘Vegemite? Peanut Butter? Like for vegemite, comment for peanut butter.’

- Comment: JESUS CHRIST, PUT THE TWO PIECES OF BREAD TOGETHER FOR FUCK SAKE! LUNCH IS NOT A DEMOCRATIC DECISION!

I say these things, but in all honesty, I’ve devoted a lot of my time to reading the FaceWar Fights of others. Of course, this doesn’t just apply to Le Facebook, but all social networking sites that can be accessed from mobile devices and operated with one hand (because the best fights happen when you’ve got a drink in the other).

*Every time I’ve used the word friend, I strictly mean Facebook friend.

Epic binning

Everytime I use the toilet on the train I'm disgusted by the fact there's a sharps disposal bin and not a sanitary disposal bin. A big thanks to CityRail for reminding me I'm more likely to sit next to a drug addict than a fertile woman.

I gotta 22 last friday night

So I was listening to the Bigpond Music channel and I heard most of '22' by Taylor Swift. I was promised Taylor Swift but I got generic teeny bopper. C'mon Taylor, you don't have a boyfriend for a few months and you got nothing else besides a remixed mash up of 'I Gotta Feeling' by Blacked Eyed Peas and 'Last Friday Night' by Katy Perry? I thought you were better than that. "

The next song was 'Hey Porche' by Nelly, now there's a song that doesn't even pretend its anything its not. Nelly, the genius he is, realised Porche is not only a car but a woman's name. Paving the way for lines such as "C'mon lemme slide under, so I can work on you." He was pointing to the young lady's nether regions as he said it and he's even grown a little moustache so you can easily see and then avoid him in a crowd.

Both catchy songs, but I feel like there was a clear winner.

Chris Brown. (The shit one not the vet)

I found this on my News Feed. I don't know if it's implying Chris Brown said this or that he's a "real friend" but I've decided to make one I feel more accurately illustrates what Chris Brown is associated with...

Found on news feed

Made by me

Keep out of reach of children

Label on contraceptive pill packet says "keep out of reach of children."

Yeah, I know. That's kind of the point.

Here's to something original

Heyyy Avril Lavigne, um I went ahead and accidentally caught some of your new song 'Here's to never growing up'. I just wanted to point out a few things that I noticed.

The song was reasonably average, I mean a song about being young forever? Whoa, no ones ever done that before. Plus, you know you're like 28 right? With a failed marriage under your belt? That must age even the punkiest of rockers.

I get it, the song is about 'Livin' la Vida Loca', 'YOLO' and such, but I can't help but reminisce to when your music didn't feel like a poor remake of a 1999 Ricky Martin hit.

In summary, hey hey you you, I don't like your new music